Happy Mother’s Day. You haven’t heard from Mummy in a while because, as is characteristic of a typical GR, Mummy has not had a sense of humour for as long as she can remember. But today is Mother’s Day and since it is 7am and Mummy has woken up pissed, Mummy decided that now would be the perfect opportunity to release those creative juices again and let it all come flooding out.
This morning, Mummy awoke feeling slightly jaded, the enthusiasm and excitement over Mother’s Day only slightly outweighed by the Mother of all hangovers and the Beast of an aching body to go with it. For Last night, Mummy and Daddy went to a party. But this was not the type of party that they are used to frequenting these days. Yes, there may have been unicorn cake, crazy costumes, birthday balloons, The Macarena and plastic inflatables (every good party has an inflatable), but this was a party for grown ups. Let’s more accurately call them “middle ageds” at our stage in life. And this is how the story goes.
Having arrived at the party fashionably early (so as not to miss the canapés), Mummy unsuccessfully tried to get pissed on the free welcome Prosecco. To no avail, Mummy then resorted to desperate measures and agreed to Go Dutch on a pitcher of “Duck Duck Juice”. More like a pitcher of crushed ice, laced with vodka and a few cute little floating duckies freezing their backsides off, Mummy felt much more at home with her pint glass and straw. And it wasn’t long before the party games began. No sooner had Mummy’s naughty Policewoman friend revealed her stow-away vodka bottle, sending us way over the limit, an obligatory round of Truth or Dare commenced. Forget the Truth part, because who the hell actually has time for Truths these days, the Mummies were on a mission to have a sodding good time before the night was out. Mummy number One was charged with chatting up the youthful looking DJ, the sentence not so harsh, being a simple slap on the arse by her Other Half. But Mummy number Two’s crime was indeed her punishment and in true 90’s “continuations” style, this Mummy had to snog her husband. With tongues. Oh dear oh dear. What even is snogging these days?
One thing is for sure, we all know that snogging leads to sex. And sex, of course, was next on the agenda. After peeling Mummy number Two off her poor, wretched husband, who was left in a state shock, having been mounted and malled in public by his wife, the conversation turned to how many times per week we all “do it”. This was one not to be missed. There were gasps all round, as admissions ranged from daily to yearly to only-if-he’s-lucky and why-do-you-think-we-have-two-children? No names mentioned. It was time for a break.
Now, a Mother on the dance floor is not a pretty sight. Aside from dancing round her handbag, Mummy is not very good at dancing these days. So much so, that her cool and might I add, famous, pop star friend commented on her outdated “two-step” technique. Cringe. At what age is it not acceptable for Mummies to go out anymore? It was clear that this Mummy had already arrived at her final destination.
It was an especially late night for Mummy and Daddy. It seemed such a shame to tear away from all the fun and frolics of what is not real life, but it was way past Mummy’s bed time, in fact Mummy was struggling to stifle the yawns (most uncool), and the babysitter had started to panic by sending out an SOS text message. Had they been kidnapped never to return and was she going to have to take guardianship over The Terrors for evermore? The thought was a terrifying one, poor love. Needless to say, Mummy won’t hear from her again.
Despite being engulfed by a drunken haze of love, happiness and silly behaviour, the last thing Mummy distinctly recalls, is reluctantly relinquishing all Mummy duties to the capable and enthusiastic hands of Daddy for this forthcoming, most special day. This morning however, Mummy has already fed, watered and cleaned up sick. And before you question exactly who is responsible for the sick, Mummy is not owning up. Well, not this time anyway.
Happy Mother’s Day y’all.
#mothersday #motheringsunday #friends #letsparty #mumscanparty #goodtimes