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Are YOU a Mombie?

Mombie /pro: mom-bee/ noun mombie, plural noun mombies

Formal: 

  1. A Mother who is or appears to be lifeless, apathetic or totally lacking in independent judgement.
  2. A Mother whose supernatural force miraculously manages to reanimate her dead body. Every. Single. Day.
  3. A Mother held to resemble the so-called walking dead, whose behaviour is listless and whose responses are rote.
  4. A soul-less mechanical being who performs a range of functions according to a set of instructions predetermined by others, much in the fashion of an automaton.

Informal: 

  1. A permanently exhausted, irritable and intolerant MISERABLE COW.
  2. The end.

It seems that Mombies do indeed exist outside of the dictionary. They are everywhere around you – if you take a moment to notice. Programmed to autopilot, they trudge the streets in droves, pushing strollers through tears, pushing trolleys through aisles, pushing themselves against time. Grey and wan, they appear as though mere vessels, empty and vacant, simply shadows of their former selves. However Mombies are often misunderstood. Mombies have a precious past that they cling onto and a fantastical future that they can only dream of. It is quite plausible therefore that you have encountered a Mombie and have mistaken her for just another boring, middle aged Mom with nothing of value to share. Perhaps you are lying next to a cold, frigid Mombie in bed. Or perhaps you yourself are a Mombie who hasn’t woken up yet from the nightmare. Whoever or whatever you are, this short questionnaire should help you appreciate what it feels like to be a Mombie.

  1. DO YOU have offspring you can admit to calling your own? * Please note, the degree of Mombiness you are experiencing directly correlates to the number of offspring you have, multiplied by the number of hours lost to sleepless nights, minus the number of in lieu lie-in hours, which is usually negligible.*
  2. DO YOU wake up at the same precise minute past the hour without fail every single morning, irrespective of any other variables that might influence quality of sleep, such as alcoholic intake the night before, poorly children requiring through the night supervision or your Other Half’s sleep apnea induced snoring?
  3. DO YOU look permanently exhausted, fed up and GREY, despite spending small fortunes on foundations, bronzers, BB creams or miracle-cure lotions and potions, which falsely promise to illuminate the skin and hide any evidence of bags?
  4. DO YOU regularly fall asleep in an inelegant heap on the couch at around 9.30pm, whilst watching Barefoot Contessa prance around her kitchen on Food Network?
  5. DO YOU lack all colour in your life, dressing solely in monochrome, thereby ridding yourself of all feminine charm, sometimes to the point of being mistaken as genderless? (Ouch)
  6. DO YOU avoid any verbal or physical contact with the Other Half past 7pm, so as not to wrongly infer a message that might lead him to expect some form of mortal activity, which is not in line with tonight’s pre-programmed agenda?
  7. DO YOU programme yourself to tire at a specific point in the evening, returning home embarrassingly early from date nights, much to the disappointment of the babysitter, who can never get more than half-way through her favourite film?
  8. DO YOU find yourself scrolling aimlessly through facebook, stalking randoms and admiring others’ #perfectlives, whilst sitting on the toilet for hours, just to pass some sodding time in isolation?
  9. DO YOU hold no opinions of your own relating to topical matters such as international affairs, politics, the NHS or anything remotely interesting or important, aside from which brand of washing powder has the best in-built stain remover and which brand of nappy has the most effective absorbency compared to its price point in the absorbent towelling market?
  10. DO YOU flip out once a year at someone or other’s middle aged birthday celebrations, to the point that your incredible looks and wild behaviour deem you unrecognisable to those who know you best, AKA those who know you at your worst?

If you nodded your head to less than 3 of these #mombietruths, then you are well and truly winning at motherhood. You are a mother and human at the same time. Good work – I am not at all jealous. If you sheepishly answered “yes” to around 5, then watch out – it is a slippery slope from hereon in. And finally, if 8 or more of these #mombieisms described you to perfection, then it is Game Over for you, until you can sodding well snap out of it and become a real person again.

Apparently this is all normal. So next time you pass a Mombie in the street, maybe you will understand her better. Perhaps extend a sign, a knowing nod or a kind smile. Who knows, if you press the right buttons, you might just be surprised by her response….

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